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| I'm telling my church about the trip overseas next Sunday. Liable to be an interesting experience for everyone.
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| All of you are thrilling writers. I feel your voice and hear your
heart. The power of words, the letters to no one, the chance to write
and spill hearts. Thanks for letting me put a foot in the door as you
allow a little light to gush from you into the infinite abyss. Albert's
abyss.
As I read all these updates today I found myself wishing
for a moment to be able to emulate the style and the voice of the
different entries. Then, I was content in knowing that my voice and my
style are the only devices that fit me, that are me.
The power of the written word is outdone by little else.
Experience.
I'd
like to write soon. Even now, I feel the proverbial bar has been set
and I'm inept in the ways of the pen (or the keys) to offer much worth
reading.
1.) next time, tell Regina I said hi too.
2.) Sleep does help dissolve harsh words.
3.) I hate mouth viruses, let alone brain viruses causing uncontrollable bowel movements.
4.) I'm glad that you were able to enjoy time at the chicken coop. I love saw dust too.
5.) Somehow it feels more an act of bravery to shake hands with aids and hiv than an act of compassion. This is sad to me.
6.) I miss community too. I'm thankful for the old niche that was once carved out.
7.) I'll be home soon.
Love 
-Chris
sorry #5 (Nic), #2 (Caroline), Tyler and Alesha... your comments got deleted :-/
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| 'love your neighbor as yourself'
well, love your self first.
-Chris
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| I wonder why people's opinion matter to me so much. I think, to a point, the opinions of friends and family ought to always be heeded... but even folks I don't know (& don't know me)- their opinions matter.
They matter so much so that I'm willing to contort and twist my life around their expectations even when its goes against my desires and what I think is right. That's really sad. I'm willing to inconvenience, hurt, those close to me to appease my life's outsiders. It just ain't right.
I read The Ragamuffin Gospel not too long ago. I finished the book probably 3 weeks ago. A lot of times I find it unbelievable that God could love me as much and in the manner Brennan Manning talks about (the author). I've been a proponent of Grace since I read "Grace Awakening" my freshman year. In my head and my heart its something I've latched onto. Honestly, I don't know if it first began because it came to me as a sort of novelty, an ideal that went against the Christianity I'd learned. I wanted to separate myself or rise above the people surrounding me (at school, at home).
So, (perhaps, I'm hypothesizing) that some of my earlier theological convictions came about only because I sought to rise to the top, cream of the crop mentality. And that's just not right. I'm saying this one because I know its not true. This "cream-of-the-crop" mentality was my way of overcoming insecurities (most of which still run rampant within me). For my time at SBU I've heard a lot of girls talk about their identity in Christ (not so many guys). But, knowing that identity would probably do me a bit of good.
I think, in hindsight, the biggest thing that's changed for me being where I am is confidence. Most of my life its been pert' near impossible to ever feel secure in a relationship. I always feel the need to prove my worth or value or to put myself in the right light to make someone love me. And this is talking all relationships.
Within friendships, it has always bothered me that I've never been THE best friend. I think, I think, I've been someone's best friend... but my 'best' friend has never deemed their BEST friend. (but that falls to pieces with Traci and myself) Let's not get off course here. Anyways... I'm tired of the competition.
I'm tired of feeling the need to earn gifts. Ragamuffin... its realizing that you've got nothing to give but then paradoxically realizing that you're infinitely precious. Yeah. I do have nothing to give.
Anyway, I've become more confident in myself, less reliant on other's opinions of me. Which, I think is a byproduct of grace, of accepting it. But, in the middle of trying to live by grace, making decisions for yourself, from the heart, you'll screw up sometimes. I screwed up while seriously testing the 'grace waters' for the first time. You have no idea how hard it was not to jump back onto safe ground: rules, regulations, a life lived to fulfill the expectations of others.
I don't really want that life. But a 'grace life' is going to be really hard to live. From my dabblings thus far- it flies in the face of much of the established religion I've been a part of. (don't end sentences in prepositions unless you want to)
In summation: grace is good, not always easy when you try to perform for others or when covering/hiding your fears and doubts. I'm going to begin drawing. I'd like to write some day and do it well.
i love you guys, really,
Chris
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